Pray ~

One of my biggest struggles is prayer - finding time to pray, finding the words to say, remembering to concentrate on praying and not on the dust bunnies floating around on my floor, or the fingerprints on my windows ... ect. You name the distraction, and I can guarantee that my mind has been focused there instead of on prayer. Lately, this lack of prayer and focus have begun to actually affect my life, and I thank God for His mercy and grace in that He is causing me to see my sins. Instead of knowing that I ought to be praying but quickly turning my mind towards something else, I am becoming more and more grieved by my inability to speak with God. I am starting to feel the shallow and awkwardly superficial nature of my relationship with Him. I hate that. It's an awful feeling to know that you ought to be close and comfortable with God, but there are times when you cannot think of a word to say to him. So, instead of leaving me wander helplessly through a life of sparse thirty second prayers, God providentially brought the idea of a prayer binder (or journal) to mind through a post that I read on Facebook. I borrowed the idea, made one with different sections marked out for myself, my Secret Prayer Sister (for Ladies Bible Study), my husband, children, family, praises and other requests, and it has completely changed my ability to concentrate on praying. I have never been verbally eloquent - Moses, I feel your pain! My pen has always been better suited to explain my thoughts and ideas, so I am putting it to good use through writing out my prayers. This doesn't help me in my situations where I am asked to pray out loud (no ... those times are still awkward and filled with jitters, a shaky voice, and sweaty palms), or at least, it hasn't helped me yet. However, I do hope that, as I continue to write more and more prayers, I will learn how to translate what I mean and want to say into a verbal ability to express my love for God. So far I am finding the praises section of my binder to be the hardest of all. I have many things that I am so thankful for, but I find it really hard to simply praise God for who He is. Why is that so hard? So I've been praying (or writing) that God will cause my cold heart to overflow with thoughts of how good He is. I spend very little time thinking about God's attributes and person, so that's probably why I am at a loss when I try to praise Him. I want to be utterly convinced that God is wonderful - so convinced that I won't be able to keep it to myself. Obviously I am not convinced just yet, but with more prayer I hope to see a change in my stony heart. So far the binder has been a success. Now to keep on praying and not grow weary in doing good ...

Happy New Year

I cannot believe how fast 2011 has gone ... so fast, in fact, that it seems like I've only just gotten used to writing "2011" in the date line of my cheque book. Life is speeding by. Just a little over four years ago I was married and now my husband and I have three sweet little ones in our care. God's graces are by no means small in my life, and I have many amazing gifts to be unceasingly grateful for. As for New Year's resolutions, I've never really been big on making them. However, my husband and I plan on trying our best to keep each other accountable in our Bible reading plan this year. We began tonight, and my husband said, "Do you know how many times we've tried to read the Bible through in a year? It seems like we've only ever make it through Genesis and Matthew before we get behind and give up." Nice. I think that maybe a change in priorities is in order for 2012? It seems like such a simple thing - 2 chapters a day. God, please provide us with grace enough to love Your word in 2012!

Why Blog??

I've been itching to start a personal blog over the past few weeks, and I'm not entirely sure why. I know that I personally enjoy reading other people's blogs. I love swapping clever crafty ideas, and I am often greatly encouraged when I take the time to sit down and read about how other women fulfill their roles as Wife, Mama, and Homemaker - through seasons of struggle and in times of joy.

During my short time as Wife and Mama, God has been tenderly teaching me many things. Lately, He has been using the school of motherhood to paint a clear picture of how deeply pride and impatience consume me entirely. Despite my theological knowledge of how fallen and sinful human beings are, it seems as if God has been slowly connecting the dots and making things uncomfortably personal. This morning I found myself thinking, "I know that I'm a sinner. But Lord, do you have to show me my sin so clearly? My lack of patience is simply mortifying. How am I supposed to teach my children what patience is when I cannot even come close to grasping and exhibiting it in my own daily life?" Total inadequacy makes one feel so very small.

When I woke up this morning I felt benevolent and filled to overflowing with a patient serenity rooted in a delusion that I so often fall prey to. After all, "I'm a pretty capable Mamma. I'm getting good at taking care of three children. I'm a generally patient person." Wrong answer. It doesn't take God very long to let this false vision of myself, this pretend "me" come crashing down around my ears. It doesn't even take much, and I can feel the pressure of my impatience starting to build. My son pees through the third, and very last pair of clean underwear he owns in just under four hours, despite several attempts at reminding him that he cannot go potty in his pants. Combine the puddles of pee on the floor with nearly constant whining from my little daughter and I crack ... "TIMBER!" Yes, coming face to face with the reality of who I really am is never a pleasant experience.

Someone once said that God often squeezes us and allows us to see who we truly are by what comes out of our mouths and hearts during times of pressure and stress. I don't remember who said this, but I know that he knew what he was talking about! Instead of thanking God for clearly and daily bringing my great and overwhelming need for Jesus before my eyes, I become discouraged and angry because, once again, I realize that I am not who I think I am. Bummer. I am not a good person. I'm impatient. I'm a sinner. But the reality is, no matter how deluded I become or how many pep talks I give myself, the true me shows its prickles and blemishes the moment God chooses to squeeze me even a little bit. I blow it every time. Pride truly does come before the fall.

Then comes the discouragement! I become morose when I persuade myself into thinking that I am the ONLY woman in the whole wide world who doesn't have it all together. I work really hard to try and con people into thinking that I am a model of capable industry. Deep down inside, I crave the praise and conformation of ... everyone. This morning I realized that, instead of becoming deeply discouraged, I ought to instead be deeply thankful that God chose to bring my sins to mind. Even if I am only just beginning to skim the depths of my depravity, that is better by far then living an entire lifetime under the delusion that I am a good person ... a capable Wife, and patient Mama. The truth is, I am none of those things perfectly. However, I can say with an elderly John Newton, "... I am a great sinner, and Christ is a great Savior." I don't need to be a good person, a capable Wife, and a perfectly patient Mama because despite my sin, Christ Jesus is my righteousness. And as for teaching my children what patience looks like, I know that I will fail ... and fail ... and fail. This doesn't mean that I will not continue to pray and set to work with a will in order to overcome my bosom enemy called "Impatience." I will fail, and when I do, I will humble myself before my children by asking for their forgiveness. Then I will show them Christ, dwell on His goodness, and explain that He was continuously and perfectly patient. He never unjustly lost His temper, but is the model of holy perfection in every way.

So ... why blog? Maybe to keep a record what where God is taking me and what He's teaching me, perhaps? I'm still unsure. However, I know that I am encouraged by reading about other people's struggles, sins, and sanctification. Maybe this blog will serve to encourage others in the way that other blogs have encouraged me. Even if I am the only one who ever reads this, hopefully these posts will cause me to bare fruit in my own life through a careful examination of my own heart ... no matter how mortifying it might be. Such mortification is God's grace to me. Truly Amazing Grace!