Pray ~

One of my biggest struggles is prayer - finding time to pray, finding the words to say, remembering to concentrate on praying and not on the dust bunnies floating around on my floor, or the fingerprints on my windows ... ect. You name the distraction, and I can guarantee that my mind has been focused there instead of on prayer. Lately, this lack of prayer and focus have begun to actually affect my life, and I thank God for His mercy and grace in that He is causing me to see my sins. Instead of knowing that I ought to be praying but quickly turning my mind towards something else, I am becoming more and more grieved by my inability to speak with God. I am starting to feel the shallow and awkwardly superficial nature of my relationship with Him. I hate that. It's an awful feeling to know that you ought to be close and comfortable with God, but there are times when you cannot think of a word to say to him. So, instead of leaving me wander helplessly through a life of sparse thirty second prayers, God providentially brought the idea of a prayer binder (or journal) to mind through a post that I read on Facebook. I borrowed the idea, made one with different sections marked out for myself, my Secret Prayer Sister (for Ladies Bible Study), my husband, children, family, praises and other requests, and it has completely changed my ability to concentrate on praying. I have never been verbally eloquent - Moses, I feel your pain! My pen has always been better suited to explain my thoughts and ideas, so I am putting it to good use through writing out my prayers. This doesn't help me in my situations where I am asked to pray out loud (no ... those times are still awkward and filled with jitters, a shaky voice, and sweaty palms), or at least, it hasn't helped me yet. However, I do hope that, as I continue to write more and more prayers, I will learn how to translate what I mean and want to say into a verbal ability to express my love for God. So far I am finding the praises section of my binder to be the hardest of all. I have many things that I am so thankful for, but I find it really hard to simply praise God for who He is. Why is that so hard? So I've been praying (or writing) that God will cause my cold heart to overflow with thoughts of how good He is. I spend very little time thinking about God's attributes and person, so that's probably why I am at a loss when I try to praise Him. I want to be utterly convinced that God is wonderful - so convinced that I won't be able to keep it to myself. Obviously I am not convinced just yet, but with more prayer I hope to see a change in my stony heart. So far the binder has been a success. Now to keep on praying and not grow weary in doing good ...